I'm a dude. I'm a dude who likes dick. I'm a dude who likes dick and sticking mine in butts. I'm a dude who likes dick and sticking mine in butts and having the favor returned. Is there an identity that we have to grab onto when you are a gay man? If you're one of those rugged tough looking macho gay guys who burps, farts, watches sports and has little regard for right of way at four-way stops, then you're clearly a top. And if you're one of those floating, sissified, queeny gays who recite every single Beyonce song from rote, then you're a bottom... right?
Wrong, wrong, fucking wrong!! Regardless of what characteristics we develop as LGBT individuals, it does not define our roles in a relationship, in society, or in the bedroom. It's bad enough that we get those "Who's the husband and who's the wife" questions from certain heterosexuals, but then we start the nonsense of looking at our own and assuming that they must be the ones on top or bottom are nothing more than us relying on the stereotypical heteronormative roles that have been ingrained in us practically from birth... and yet, the praying the gay away thing never quite took, huh?
I, myself, am so guilty of appealing to the same ignorance when it comes to judging someone solely off of their appearances and/or the way they carry themselves... or when they talk. When I heard infamous "Leave Britney Alone" pseudo-celebrity Chris Crocker say that he was a strict top, I side-eyed so hard I saw the back of my room without even turning around. I was like "That 'queen' is a top? Get the fuck outta here. Who'd let that 'girl' dominate them?" Comments like those were common for me 3 years ago when I was trying to find my own identity and attempting to overcompensate for the fact that I was gay, but still wanted to be man. Not be one of "those gays."
A light didn't come on at 30 for me. Lights don't come on in people. Epiphanies, maybe, but it takes living, experiencing life, and attempting to see people past stereotypes and labels. You see two gay guys together... one is tall and masculine, and the other is feminine and short. Would it surprise you to know that the feminine shorty might be the one getting on top and the tall, dark and handsome is the one reverse cowgirling for his life? You don't know. You can't know unless you're peeking into their bedrooms and watching them... please, don't do that.
Ironically, I was watching porn and saw the comments below the video, prompting to me to do a "Say what?" Apparently in the porn world, your stock as a top plummets when you get caught with a dick in your mouth or ass on video. And not only do these pigeonholing roles play out in videos for sexual gratification, but also in our lives. You can't be a masculine gay man and take dick, just like you can't be a feminine gay man and give it... who made that rule, though?
We did. Because the minute we got some visibility and awareness, some of us began realizing that there was a "type" of visibility and awareness that did not encompass a diverse community of LGBT individuals with different personalities and styles, some of which mimic the "Straight world". Feminine gay men are often accused of weaving a persona that plucks the worst traits of straight women, becoming caricatures, and masculine gay men are also often accused of trying to "blend." After all, how many jock types of guys were complete dicks and douchebags in high school, only to secretly wish the gay guy he was bashing would bring the hammer down on that prostate!!!
Blending... Caricatures... who the fuck cares?? We're dudes. We're gay dudes. We like MEN!! We are men... masculine, feminine, and all the like. I identified as "masculine" for so long, but it was "identifying"... it was segregating. I was saying it in a way that I was closing myself off to feminine gay men. That I didn't want to be around them, didn't want to hear them, and thought they were the reason so many of us "real gay men" don't come out. Goddamn, what a difference half a decade makes.
Let me be clear: You will never meet a braver gay man than one who walks down the street, donning heels, sashaying, unapologetic about his identity and throwing his symbolic middle finger up at society and its attempt to structure gender roles. Do you realize the courage it takes to take on challengers from the bigoted anti-gay world of homophobic religious leaders, homophobic assholes looking to hurt someone, while also having to deal with blow back from some of your own for simply living your truth?? It took me getting my ass proverbially handed to me on a Huffington Post article from a self-proclaimed "fem" that made me take a look at the things I was saying. Then, it was meeting guys who weren't what you called traditionally masculine looking, but were so fucking confident with who they were, you couldn't help but get little boner for the bravado.
I no longer identify as masculine... but I don't identify as feminine. I don't define myself using anything that attempts to restrict me from being a certain way or dressing a certain way, or expressing my sexuality in a certain way. Some gay guys are rugged and hard. Some gay guys are delicate and soft. Some gays are tops. Some gays are bottoms. Some gays are versatile (THAT'S a label I don't mind as it fits my sexual preferences). Guess what? NONE of that shit makes us better than the other. Tops, you're not better than bottoms. Bottoms, you're not better than tops. Versatiles, you're not better than tops or bottoms because you can jump between both... well, you're not that much better (kidding).
Enough of this top/bottom/masc/fem bullshit and just be the kind of you that doesn't denigrate someone else. I will NEVER deny the kind of bravery and courage it takes to be the kind of gay person that forces others to look at it and accept that we exist and don't live within the confines of societal rigidity. When I see the gay guys lip popping, throwing shade, and being flamboyantly campy, I love it all a lot more than I used to, because it took looking at the vile things done to the LGBT community in other countries -- and this one -- to make me tip my hat to them for putting themselves at risk for attacks -- the fact that I have to say that in 2015 shows are far behind we still are.
But, on the same token, just because a gay man is not going around making it a point to make sure people know instantly that he is homosexual does not mean that he is hiding it... or because he doesn't "act gay", he's putting on a front. Do better, guys. Do better, me. Did I mention we're dudes that like other dudes?? I believe I did.
Okay, I'm done.
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