Monday, March 2, 2015

Long Rant: Bend It Like Benham Brothers

Image result for benham brothersWhy, sky daddy, why? Of all of the people you could elect to spread your message of "love" and aggressive ignorance to societal progressiveness would you pick these two slack-jawed bible thumping buffoons, who look a day late and chromosome short? Or extra? Whatever... I pretty much just answered my own damn question about sky daddy, anyway.
So you may be asking yourselves (the three of you who come here every three months), "Who are these two? They're kind of cute." And then you Google them and hopefully your mind is enlightened and your penis is flaccid. These two double-mint twins -- or should I say Fire and Brimstone -- are David and Jason Benham, pictured above -- can't tell you which is which, but both are identically loony, so don't waste your time finding a distinction.
Basically, these two buff bigoted backwards ignoramuses had a show possible show on HGTV, but then decided to get really REALLY Jesus-y and brought on the "Christian love" in the form of anti-gay remarks uncovered by Right Wing Watch. HGTV caught wind of it and said "Nah, we're good", and sent their asses packing. But of course, being the evangelical Christians they are, their obvious recourse is to put on the warm cloak of persecution, and take the role as victim of us bullying and intolerant gays. Why oh why can't we tolerate their intolerant beliefs? Who do we think we are getting a bit miffed at being referred to as deviants and being told what we are is deserving of eternal torture in hellfire? Somebody got some Neosporin for my hurt butt?

But don't get them wrong: they love homosexuals. And Muslims, too, but that's for another day. We shouldn't listen to the things they say and instead listen to the message. Just because they say what we are is an abomination does not mean we are an abomination. Or maybe we're hearing them wrong and they are saying "Obama-nation". Maybe they want us to secede from the US and form our own nation, led by Barack Obama. Once again, we're twisting their words, guys. They love us... the way a doberman loves a t-bone steak before it rips it apart with its razor canines and chews on the meat until it's a pulverized gaggle of mush and saliva, swallowed whole in one forceful gulp. Mmm, love.
Oh, and they're buying baseball tickets for gays, now. No lie. Apparently, now you can not only go see your favorite team, but you can experience a homosexual deconversion, and all before the seventh-inning stretch. Isn't [insert god here] amazing? Look, I don't know what angle that guy that supposedly walked away from his "lifestyle" (that word gives me cancer of the shut-the-fuck-up variety) was watching the game from, but as someone who's watched an insane amount of baseball, he couldn't have been that close to the action. Coming into puberty, my pants could stay on the floor whenever Ken Griffey, Jr. came out in that Seattle Mariners uniform. And then Chipper Jones... you ever seen that man's front-piece? Not to get gross but all I'm saying is, this "I'm not gay no mo'"story has more holes in it than the holy book these two morons profess to live by. 
Sports do many a thing... but not a gay-to-straight man, do that power they have. These two idiots, as laughable as their antics can be sometimes, represent a very dangerous -- and not dying fast enough -- trend with evangelical fundies sensing secular morality taking precedent over GAWD and now they must fight back... take a stand... be courageous... the crap these oppressive bigoted scumballs do when their intolerance is no longer tolerated. 

And look. I'm not saying these two are raging repressed violently anti-LGBT closeted homosexuals. I'm not saying that. But if YOU said it, I'd have to agree with you.

Okay, I'm done. 

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