Friday, February 20, 2015

GAS

You can't have him.
How many signs can point to an inevitable end before a beginning?
Take the damn hint, Heart.
No. He will love me as I love him. He will understand us as we are.
He is not mine. He never was. He will never be. He can never be.
Heart, leave him be. His life is of someone's caring, but not yours.
He waits alone. He waits for me. You make me cold when he warms me.
I let you lead, heart. It led to regret. Holding on... and for what?
Do you think he still thinks of us? Has our pairing gone sour?
I leash you, Heart. We once echoed in unison.
Heart, your impulsiveness motivated me to move beyond mere existence.
It ignites the blood and flavors passion. We moved as one against all.
Then he came, and you gave way to weakness. Why do you now ignore me?
You operate with no emotion, Mind. The mechanical workings of a sociopath.
You created him. You painted a picture of him long before he ever appeared.
As if by a brilliant stroke of a wicked brush, he came to us in the now.
Heart, he is not of my creation. He is blood, he is flesh, he is man.
We dreamed together, but you turned it into reality of your own doing.
Perchance, he was every superficial and shallow moldings of mine.
Who does he love? How does he love? 
Answer him, heart. I grow tired of the dilemma posed between you two.
He loves how the world demands we love. He loves worldly in the outer.
But alone, his inner creeps into the outer. I see him. I feel him.
You feel a fantasy, Heart. You long so badly to make our creation tangible.
He is not of my creation. He is blood, he is flesh, he is man. He is his own.
Why, Mind? Why? You forsake that is your own? You gave him a life within you.
You shared him with me, and I fell in love. He comes to life, and you shun?
Oh, dear Heart. It is he that shuns. He shuns without knowing.
Without knowing, Mind... without knowing. Should he know he will not shun.
You think, you anticipate, you plan, you move, you internalize. But do you love?
Do you feel? Can you? Does he threaten you? 
He is not the first, Mind, that you have shunned.
I have not shun- 
You shun, Mind. You shun. You anticipate hurt and intercept with anger and rage.
You decide every action before it occurs, cooing in hindsight when it does.
"They will hurt us", you say. "He is not for us", you warn.
But your warnings are death!! You murder love so that you never know pain.
You murder victory to keep defeat away.
He loves me, but you hurt him with taunts. Your seasons are brutal and unstable.
And I must sit in horror while you play with emotions like arms on a doll,
Pulling off and putting back on and pulling off and putting back on.
Again and again.
But he returns. Do you not see? He loves me. Why do you shun?
You sit there in judgment of me, Heart. How dare you?
You blind me. You jade my view. You create unrealistic worlds.
He is but a dream to you but is a reality to me. And that reality...
I dread to inform you...
It is an evil one, Heart.
He is cold. He is selfish. He was never yours to have.
Not as a lover. Not as a friend -
You lie-
It is the truth and you have known it is the truth, heart!
So much time has passed. So much life has been lived.
Does he call? Does he write? Does he show we exist.
Because you pushed him away.
You cannot push away what was never there!
I never created him, Heart. You did.
I made a blueprint... you created the end product.
Your love gave it a face. A voice. A life of its own.
But these are not the kinds of blueprints that come to life.
He is not of my creation. He is blood, he is flesh, he is man.
With time, it would be a goal of fruition. He can love me.
Is it not worth the chance? Will regret loom eternally?
No, heart. It will not. The blueprint is still there.
We both know what we want, what we need.
Let him go, Heart. Go another route.
I am scared, mind. I have loved him for so long.
I am scared of the new. The different.
You never loved him heart.
You loved what you wanted him to be.
You loved the familiar.
The possibilities.
The hope.
He doesn't love me.
No.
He'll never love me.
No.
He can't love me, can he?
It is not his kind of love you need.
I am heavy. I feel broken. But mind, you speak truth.
I am with you, heart.
And I with you, mind.
He is not mine. He never was. He will never be. He never can be.

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