20 Things I'm Thinking While On Facebook


The masochistic nature in which I peruse my social media profile is almost an art at this point. Whenever I log into Facebook, these are the things I immediately think:

1. Why am I logging in? 

2. Oh, look... his relationship status went back to "Single." Saw that coming.

3. Who the fuck says "preggers"? "Preggers" - two syllables, eight letters. "Pregnant" - two syllables, eight letters. God she sounds like a dipshit. *clicks 'Like'*

4. No one can be that damn happy. They are so fake. We're with our kids and smiling and happy... eating biscuits. 

5. Oh, she is so full of shit with her pictures. Always showing the new stuff she buys her kids, when the bitch was over here two days ago asking to borrow 5 dollars for gas.

6. Sigh... two hours later and I'm still on here. I have no life.

7. I wonder what my old classmates are up to...

8. Did she get my friend request? It's been a week now. 

9. I wonder what my old co-workers are up to...

10. Oh, damn. He got cute. He gave off a gay vibe in high school. *clicks 'Add Friend'*

11. Whoo-hoo, your kid graduated kindergarten... do you really need to post a thousand pictures of his certificate? Sigh... basic bitches *clicks 'Like'*

12. Where does he get all of those memes from?

13. Ugh, I don't even want kids and I feel like I should be a dad by now.

14. I wonder what my co-workers are up to- okay, now I'm officially in stalker mode.

15. Did that bitch unfriend me? Fake ass hoe... wasn't even following your stupid posts anyway. 

16. I gotta stop spying on him *clicks 'Block'* Is he okay? *clicks 'Unblock'* He's so full of himself *clicks 'Block'* I think I should call him *clicks 'Unblock'* Fuck him... dude was a jerk anyway *clicks 'Block'* You know what? He doesn't control my emotions. I'll just live my life *clicks 'Unblock' and proceeds to stalk*

17. Ha!!! Called it!! All of their pics together are gone. Knew they were full of it.

18. Why am I still on Facebook? No one uses this anymore.

19. Ugh, I don't have any good pictures to use for a profile.

20. I'm better than all of them... can't wait 'til I start living so I can Facebook it.

Yeah, that's pretty much my sad pathetic life on Facebook. But I am GOD on Twitter... amazing how much you can be who you truly are around perfect strangers.

Okay, I'm done. 

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