Wednesday, December 17, 2014

How To Get A Woman (Men Edition)

What's up, Lonely Larry. Put down the lotion and log out of RedTube. Here are some surefire ways you can get that girl you've been looking for. I know the title has "Woman" in it, but if men are your fancy, this will benefit you, too... just replace female pronouns and genitalia with whatever you'd like. Let's get started:

Get real. Don't let the porn and Playboy TV fool you... you'll never get a woman like that. And if you do, it's either because you're rich or she's blind. You can't go to McDonald's and expect to get $50 filet mignon. Either take your ass upstate, or order off that damn dollar menu, because that's what you can get. You want a woman that has a tiny frame, nice Kardashian booty, Emma Watson intelligence, and Oprah's financial security? Yeah... that does sound far fetched, doesn't it? I got news for your, dude: you'll never find the one of your dreams because it's your fucking dream!! If it were real, they wouldn't be dreams. And if you do happen to find this Kimma Watsfreyian hybrid, you better do a background check, because I betcha she was on an episode of Deadly Women. Don't let TV and porn dictate your dating habits. Just use it for the same reasons we all do: venting out angry cum-filled frustrations at beautiful vapidly shallow people we wish we could have while holding some fake sense of moral superiority because we don't fuck people on camera for a living.

Stretch the truth. And by that, I mean lie, lie, lie. The consensus is that all men are dogs, right? Well, as offended as some of us can try to get about that, the shit is kind of true. I mean, if I'm horny and you tell me your mother just died, I'm gonna console you... but, I'm gonna want get that lay I was promised, no? You tell her -- or him -- that not all men are the same (we are), that we do care about your feelings and emotions (we don't), and their opinion matters just as much as ours (it doesn't). Tell her what she wants to hear... that never goes wrong, right? Don't forget, guys... women LOVE it when you pretend to hear what they are saying. Oh, and being patronizing?? Better than chocolate covered strawberries you'll find on some crappy all-year-round Valentines website.

To hell with your body. Guys... If The Honeymooners, King of Queens, Family Guy, and The Flintstones have taught us anything, it's that unrealistic standards of fitness and beauty only apply to women... but then leave it to Modern Family to score one for us gay guys (although this one for us is tricky as there is no woman for us shift the burden onto). Why are you going to the gym, watching your figure and buying those terribly sharp clothing from Men's Warehouse? None of that matters... why? Because fat slobs get the real women... women love a guy with sexy love handles, constantly out of breath, and a constant health scare away from a diabetic coma. If she has an issue with your eating habits?? You drop that zero and get with a hero... sandwich.

Put the cards on the table immediately after going exclusive. Let's be honest: we all hide our crazy when courting. For instance, I have extra sensitive hearing, so things like bass reverberating off of the wall drives me into a frenzy of rabid anger... but do you think anyone I date knows that? YUP... and I think that's what scared them off. So here's the deal: hide it and then confide it. The minute you're on that road to no return, pull over to the shoulder and release the KRAKEN!!!  Honesty is definitely the best policy, but don't just stop with the little stuff. Make your confessional a diarrhea of the soul and let it all out. Tell her how you hate redheads, tell her how you once saw your parents having sex and your dad was reverse cowgirling your mom, tell her how you can't hear the sound of a toilet flushing without thinking of Sassy from Homeward Bound being sent down that waterfall. She'll appreciate your honesty... especially after telling her that you totally got the concept behind 2 Girls 1 Cup. Let the crazy out and let it out in one sitting... trust me, she'll appreciate you for it.

Make little "suggestions." Now, we have to be careful with that word "suggestion" because some might see it as you imposing your hangups and opinions on your potential mate, or trying to tell them what they should be thinking. Nah... that's just good ole encouragement. Who knows? Maybe she does talk a lot and needs to shut up every now and then.... maybe her wardrobe is loud enough to make Beethoven cover his ears... maybe he does need to wake up and realize no one will ever see him as Justin Timberlake and that 5 likes on Instagram does not a international heartthrob make... there's nothing wrong with pointing out things you see wrong. And if there are a lot of things wrong, well, get ready for the long and arduous task of being the "suggestions" guy. Trust me... guys and girls go nuts their significant other tries to change everything about them and nitpicks every. single. thing. Keep at it... you're wearing her down.

So there you have it: Stay chunky, lie about the small stuff but also let it all out (don't over think this one), be overly critical, and remember that you are better than porn stars, and you'll have the girl of your dreams in no time... and when I say no time, I mean NO actual time... because you won't get one. And if you do, please introduce me to that soulless beaten down skell of a thing because this is satire.

Okay, I'm done


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