Friday, December 5, 2014

How To Get a Man (Ladies Edition)

Hey, there, lonely girl. Tired of your Friday hobbies being catching up on "Scandal", cuddling up to your cats and going to bed alone? Well, worry no more. I have some great tips that even the most repugnant of you can use to get that special guy -- or girl -- wanting you with a ferocious passion. Tip number 1:

Stop having silly things like standards. Come on now, ladies... there's nothing wrong with settling. After all, are waiting for Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now? Screw that shit... get that Mr. He-Has-A-Pulse-So-He'll-Do guy. The minute you throw caution -- and all self respect -- to the wind, you'd be surprised at the plethora of gentlemen (we'll go with that) that come a-knocking. So what he has a record? That just means you're the one to set him on the right path. He has crazy exes that still come by his house and slash his tires? Well, what do you know... he must be doing something right to have them still pining for him. He has kids he's not taking care of? That equals more time for you. Time to stop looking at the glass as half empty and look at it as a quarter full... or pretend there's something in there. Chug Chug!!

Don't be afraid to agree with everything he/she says. What's an opinion but a deterrence to eventually coming to the same conclusion as the other person? There is nothing like knowing how to pick your battles than to just not have any altogether. Do you really need to have your way some of the time? After all, what's more important: doing the things you want alone, or kowtowing to the whims and desires of some jackass - I mean possible suitor? You want Italian tonight when he wants Chinese? That's a spicy a-meatball, bella. You want kids but she doesn't? Dogs work. Oh, she's allergic? What about cats? Oh, those too, huh... well, get plants. They need love too and on the plus side, if those die from neglect, the cops aren't called. Remember the glass...

Give up your hopes and dreams for yourself and accept second best. Nothing wrong with second best... hell, it has best in it. Realizing you'll never find the man of your dreams and settling for anything that comes along is the first step to relationship-ville, population: 1 less lonely bitch. Sure he does little things like spending all of your money, destroying your credit, and pushing all of your friends and family away, but that's small potatoes when it comes to the big picture... or Instagram photos that displays your "table for two settings" for all of your manless/womanless friends. Did you dream of being a doctor? Girl, you can still do that... I mean, somebody's gotta pay the bills, and he's too busy with the arduous task of maintaining the high score on Call of Duty.

Keep things hot in the bedroom. And by "hot" I mean, close the windows, crank the heat up a little and buy big bulky blankets. That way, when you're getting it on and he's a disappointing lay, the sweat on your brow and elevated body temperature will give the false sense of a job well done, and isn't that what's important? Tell him he's the best and moan with passion as he fumbles around in the dark, licking your belly button and completely missing "ground zero." Do you really need to be satisfied sexually? Of course not... sexual pleasure is overrated. Just remember: at least you have somebody lying next to you, doing whatever the fuck that was with his pinky.

So, ladies, if there is anything you take away from my tips, let it be this: agree, settle, and fake it. Next thing you know, you'll be the one hosting couples game night and getting Mom off your ass about not having someone in your life. And Facebook? Girl, post those couples photos up and do that so not annoying thing where you mash your names up together. Another little piece of advice: take advantage of social media. You can always look at your life through a filter on Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, and Twitter; nothing like reminding yourself of how happy you are by posting lies and fake images of happiness. You're welcome, by the way...

Oh, and things involving the butt? I'll leave that up to you. Eventually, ladies, everything works out and this whole things gets better in time. And by that, I mean the butt stuff.

Okay, I'm done.

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