Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Hey, Ladies.... It's Your Fault, Too

When a man cheats on a woman, there is usually a barrage of proverbial bullets fired at the cheating son of a bitch. He's a dog. He doesn't appreciate what he has at home. Everyone warned me that you were no good and that you would cheat on me. I can do better than you. And by all means, these are reasonable conclusions to come to, especially if said cheating bastard decided to denigrate the sanctity of his relationship to engage in the typical "80-20" tango, as made popular by Tyler Perry, the Kevorkian of black cinema. But, what is the sentiment when the shoe is on the other foot and it is the woman doing the forbidden dance of passion outside of her relationship? Well, as a gay man who has been around enough women to know that answer, let me state it simply: It's usually still the guy on the receiving end of some manhood robbing attitudes.
Photo Credit: Us Magazine

Well, if you were taking care of business at home, I wouldn't have had to cheat, I hear a lot. You weren't appreciating me anymore, so I went to someone who would. And again, those can also be reasonable conclusions to come to, especially if they are true. But, why then is there a double standard of sorts that condemn the infidelities of the man, but then bend over backwards to not only excuse the woman's actions, but to then blame the victim for the assailant's actions? I mean, not all men are Robert Pattinson, equipped with an army of tweens and middle-aged women ready to unleash the grand poobah of smackdowns on a cheating Kristen Stewart.

I was reading blogger Demetria Lucas's blog A Belle In Brooklyn -- which I love by the way -- one of the comments on her Ask Demetria blogs entries got me to thinking. In its entirety, the comment reads:

"Men and women often do cheat for different reasons. A weak impulsive man will subconsciously or consciously try spread his DNA given the right circumstances, even if he’s in a happy committed relationship with a great woman. A happy woman will often reject opportunities for extramarital sex to protect her family/offspring and ensure stability in the family unit. Women who are having their needs met won’t cheat (by and large). Men can be having their needs met and still cheat. An unfaithful woman is of less value to a man because he’ll always question his offspring and doubt his ability as a man. Women never have to question that their offspring is theirs, so they often can’t understand why men put more value on a faithful woman than anything else. That’s HUGE. No woman can understand that feeling of uncertainty in maternity, just as no man can understand the true experience of childbirth. Women also don’t have to question their abilities as women, since some men will cheat despite her proficiency as a wife/mother. The double standard exists because it’s worse when a woman cheats. That does NOT mean both acts aren’t[sic] despicable."
Photo Credit: Internet

This comment touched on many different areas worth addressing, but I will only address the ones pertinent to my post. It's possible that there may be those "weak impulsive" men who figure that spreading their gene pool far outweigh the the need for monogamy, but then one would have to ask why these men would be in relationships in the first place. Also, the "subconsciously or consciously" line is simply an all encompassing non-answer which caps off the perfect statement from an apparently bitter individual.

Secondly, when the poster (I'm assuming female based on Demetria's demographic) discusses the woman's reasons for infidelity, they center around her emotional state; that happy women "who are having their needs met won't cheat (by and large)." Isn't it nice that a woman that cheats can still be absolve of any serious wrongdoing by rewriting the book on cheating to read, "You Brought This On Yourself: Why Women Fulfill Their Needs." But the fear mongering goes into full swing when it's confirmed that no matter what you do, ladies, and no matter how good you are, your man will cheat on you if the wind is blowing.

So what is it, ladies? Are men who cheat dogs, and women who cheat victims? Or is it a healthy mix where men and women are liars, cheats and innocent pawns? Granted, Demetria's post addressed a seemingly opposite double standard where men are the ones who are let off the hook for cheating while women are ostracized. And to a degree, I can understand it, namely because to a degree, I get how a man cheating could be characterized as "can't be tied down with one woman for too long" and "boys will be boys" while a woman cheating is characterized with one word: Whore. It's true, and anyone who pretends that women don't get a bigger character hit when they cheat is a liar. But on the same token, it is the man who generally suffers more backlash when he cheats, as there is no excuse in the world that would be able to quell the public opinion of his caddishness and reckless abandon at his woman's feelings.

Photo Credit: HealthyBlackWoman.Com
There's got to be some personal accountability here all around. Men can be dogs, and so can women. Both genders can have personally justifiable reasons as to why they sought the love and affection of another individual, but one doesn't get to play victim at both turns. Your man doesn't appreciate you? You feel neglected? Unloved? Your life decisions creeping up on you with every passing year as your youth fades and your unhappiness increases tenfold? Fucking tell him that!!! And if he doesn't listen, then take that as a sign and move on. Don't start going gaga for someone else's loving and then blame him for YOU cheating.

Sorry, ladies, but you can't blame men for your infidelities unless he forced you to cheat on him. That's your deal as well. And if you want to call men dogs for stepping out while applying a coat of victimhood when it is the female who does the same, you can certainly do that. But, you should also keep in mind that to many of us, it immediately absorbs any respectful argument you may have and it presents as nothing more than a total hypocrite. Okay, I'm done. 

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