Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Vance McAllister: The New Face of "Family Values" Hypocrisy

Brace yourselves, moderates and progressives, because I have some disturbing news to deliver to you: It appears that another conservative politician who ran on the platform of Christian values and morals isn't quite living up to his self-imposed set of standards. Gasp, I know... it's shocking. But, please keep it together as we all get through this trying time and wonder what vices and evil spirits drove this upstanding citizen to forgo his faith and completely dive tongue first headfirst into a "sinful" adulterous relationship with another woman, a member of his staff who also happens to be married.

Honestly, though, I don't give two shits if married men are sticking their tongues or anything else in the orifices of women (or men... and let's be honest, with Republicans, it's kind of a shock if it's not a man they're caught with) they are not married to; after all, it's not my job to make sure they stay true to their vows and their spouse. My issue comes with hypocrites like this, who will run these campaigns smearing people like me and others who are not Christians, who aren't straight or conform to societal norms and their "morals and values" (read: anti-anything not straight, male and Christian). The kind of guys who are quick to say they believe that marriage is between a man and a woman and that businesses should be allowed to discriminate against LGBT people, but then are caught frequenting gay establishments or toe-tapping that gay code in bathroom stalls in airports. Yup, looking at you, Larry Craig!!

Don't get me wrong. As a self-professed liberal, gay man, atheist, and everything that makes Conservatives' collective sphincter implode, I can say that while we can have some questionable, flat out deceptive and hypocritical people within our ranks, the kinds of hypocrites I don't see are the ones waving this flag of moral superiority over being this ideal family unit while denigrating and pissing all over the very model they perpetuate with their nonsensical ads. Bill Clinton got his dick sucked while he was in the oval office. Anthony Weiner and his dick-pics are a thing of legend... but are they hypocrites? No... wanna know why? Because even though they are the same kind of philandering horn dogs that their Conservative and Republican constituents are, they never ran on platforms of "family values."

Let's be real here: As I alluded to earlier, how many conservative Republicans who rode waves of anti-gay rhetoric/measures have themselves either been outed or rumored to be gay? Mind you, it is not always Republicans or conservatives who are caught in the crossfires of hypocrisy, but when you're the loudest, you draw the most attention to yourself, and conservatives are usually bulldozing with their announcement of their pro-family, pro-life, pro-anti-Liberal propaganda. McAllister is just the latest reminder that "family values" is exactly what it sounds like: garbage.

If you think these politicians give a damn about "family values", then you're as dumb as they want you to be. McAllister played the game and catered to the least common denominator; after all, he is Duck Dynasty approved, so what else do you need to know? These individuals have the morality of any other type of sleazy politician whose morality is as high as their bottom line, willing to sell out to the highest bidder all while promoting some kind of ideal they may or or may not even agree with. Granted, you have those certifiable whack jobs who actually believe the nonsense they preach (ahem, Louie Gohmert, Ted Cruz, Rick Perry, Michele Bachmann. See? One's not from Texas), but then have those like McAllister who clearly know they are nothing but pipe dreams and empty words they can use to keep the guppies in line. After all, his apology does not vary from the proverbial GOP script in the least: Blah, Blah, "I'm sorry", Blah, Blah, "God forgave me" (can't forget that), Blah, Blah, "I ask you respect my privacy and my family's privacy as we get through this - although, I'm the reason they are going through this right now."

Of course, nowhere in that apology was the husband of the aforementioned staffer with whom he had the tongue-tied affair with. Apparently, their marriage is over as he is seeking a divorce from her; oh, and she is now out of a job, but McAllister keeps his. Mmmm, I like my whiskey like I like my standards: make it a double. Of course, the released version of this will be that she "resigned", but come now. I think the public's intelligence has been insulted enough, don't you think? In any case, he isn't the first hypocrite to get his rocks off on the taxpayer's dime, and he certainly won't be the last. So here's a word of advice to all of you future politicians: Maybe not run on promises you know you can't keep. Or at the very least, if you're going to be a hypocrite, make sure you do it while cameras aren't on you.

Okay, I'm done. 

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