Saturday, August 26, 2017

7 Years Ago

Don't take it personal if I speak ill of your name
Hate, then sad, is the my favorite method of rhythm
You might as well accept the full brunt of the blame
In this world, Only one guy carries the burden with him
You might not know this, but I happened to love you
From the moment you made your appearance known
But my way of displaying my constant thinking of you
Was to fake my disdain for you as obvious and full blown
It was earlier and too late. I was gay, you were straight.
Even that didn't stop the roller coaster of feelings
Hearing you fornicate made me scornfully irate
Wiser me would've green lit the much needed healing

Immaturity was the winner of the lonely hearts dinner
All that displayed was meanness and spite
Never knowing this lashing out was pain that burned inner
Yeah, the actions were the wrong, but being mad felt so right
I kept hoping and hoping one day he'd escape "her"
And this would be our chance to get close
It sucks to have someone so perfect on paper
Lack the one thing that matters the most

Wanting what I could never have didn't make me want it less
It simply allowed denial to become pillows of false hope
Because a no wasn't a no and a "maybe" was a "yes"
The ambiguity allowed the desire that relief to cope
Remember that blame? Yes, I put some on you
You can play dumb, but you played your part
From your actions, my love was something you knew
That enabled you to toy with my twisted heart
All the times I quit you and then came running back
At the instant you called and said you needed me
Only to get there and realize it was all an act
For a role that should have long succeeded me

And your "perfect" was not perfect by any real stretch
Especially seeing the cruel ways that you treated "her"
I wouldn't call it a dog, because your dog didn't fetch
You made it clear had no respect or wanted to be with her
The way you talked about her made me search down below
"So maybe he's awakening to deep seated emotions"
You'd think "her" after "Her" would have let me know
The only "deep" was the levels of my sad devotion
For a long time, communication came crashing to a halt
Something you said you never quite understood
I stressed that the falling out was completely my fault
And that the head space I occupied was no good.

You said we were friends, and to never lose touch
I agreed, and then we both said goodbye
A warm gesture on your part that meant so much
Each interaction felt like this elaborate lie
Though it wasn't a lie, so much as not the full truth
The words couldn't form a real response
Because I desperately avoided the feelings of my youth
Coming rushing back to me all at once

Rejection and sorrow, and praying that tomorrow
Would be better, but it only stayed the same
Looking in the mirror only made things clearer
That this lonely, I only had myself to blame

From the moment you smiled and I heard your voice
It was over and you were the one for me
After everything revealed, I still made the choice
As if you were the only man, or none for me
How many times to be told to know your worth
Before those words are ingrained into your mind
Seeking validation and love to the ends of the earth
When it was right there in your own love to find
Not in love with you, but with a version of you
That was crafted and molded from a fantasy
It was completely unfair to put those demands on you
And then fault you for not being that man to me

Today, we are friends, and as friends we'll remain
Honesty at the forefront of my sayings this time
Unrequited love is a boil long overdue to drain
The longer the wait, the heavier the grime
No, there's no love on the roster, there's some playing to do
But I know that I'll find him one day
He'll be kind, and wonderful, and mines to woo
Most importantly, he'll be FUCKING GAY!!!!

Saturday, August 19, 2017


He didn't love himself. He was selfish
Tore his body down better than arsenic
Hurting party sobs that made everyone else wish
He would stuff himself silent or just fall sick
There's no staring in mirrors when Mirrors stare back
Echoing torments of the days past reviled
Highlighting the scars that words so often lack
He looks different, but still resembles his youth
They stay on him, refusing to let go
From the hearts of wisdom, be it age or a tooth
To refuse all reminders that still let him know
Feelings of lightness from years of the heavy
Decisions made easier by the physical ailing
Consumption is the comfort, the room is the levee
Keeping out the attempts that ward off the failing
As he scowls at his reflection of pains long behind him
With the jade of his weariness refusing to let him see
His scars light the trail for the pain to always find him
The man he is today and the more he used to be 
Pride is abundant as he looks on his trek
The results of fruits long labored and fought
But his journey produced quite the visual wreck
Old wounds barely healed while others don't clot
Next stage in life deal with contemplation
Does he hide them or embrace what they mean
Are they stripes of a man's pure dedication
Or the flaws that are wished into unseen
A wrong that was righted with the drive of will
Steady moving so as to never again fall down
Stakes are way too high and he won't go until
Those monsters are driven from his town
His choice has been made and his ink still dries
The scars become canvases of emotional art
With the ugliness contained, he adjusts his eyes
To continue on a path that was never too late to start.
Never look at imperfections as your way of knowing
If someone is deserving of what is there to give
Some scars tell a story of a self-love ever growing
And hurt that fueled a passionate fervor to finally live.

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Long Rant: Why Your Feelings Don't Matter

People joke about all kinds of things, people, events, disabilities, blah, blah, blah. We laugh, we get offended, but the underlying problem is that when we get offended, we can sometimes attempt to project our own discomfort with subject matters onto others and attempt to impose our own morality onto others, and because of jokes. 

Yeah, some jokes are insensitive, offensive, and downright cruel. But, these kinds of jokes are necessary to test boundaries as well our own discomfort at finding humor in truly horrendous events. You're not a terrible person if you laugh at a 9/11 joke, but you are a terrible person if you laughed on 9/11. You're not a terrible person for laughing at an AIDS joke, but you are a terrible person for laughing at a person dying of AIDS. Rape is never funny...rape jokes? Depends on the joke.

The growing social justice culture is like a vine slowly wrapping itself around free speech, choking the life out of free expression in an attempt to police anything spoken and put it in a neat folder of "Acceptable" and "Unacceptable." The problem becomes when individual groups decide that certain words and terms are offensive and hate speech, and thus attempt to disrupt societal narratives in an attempt to change reality based on their own feelings and subjective perspectives. And to that I say this: Fuck Your Feelings!!

Yes. Fuck your feelings, fuck my feelings, and fuck anyone else's feelings. We're all adults. You don't get to tell anyone what they can or can't say, and guess what? In your zeal to blot out bad words and "hate speech", you're not actually doing anything but allowing the real hateful people in this world to simply mask their vitriol and express it in other ways, because not every racist says "nigger" and not every homophobe says "faggot." 

All too often, I see this overly sensitive subset of society trying to tell me and others what we should be offended, what shouldn't be joked about, and what should matter to everyone. But, what I don't see is any real cohesive message nor any consistency from these individuals. Yeah, you'll be offended over racism, but let a black person be a Republican and you join in with the "Uncle Tom", "Coon", and "House Nigger" taunts. Feminism left and right, until a woman says she isn't down with your cause, and then you come out with every derogatory name in the book for her. 

Why do your feelings matter?  Why should we or the rest of the world take pause because something uttered caused you discomfort? I'm sorry, but part of living among the rest of us means that you will encounter things that run contrary to what you believe or how you think and feel. The easy solution to that is to surround yourself with like minded individuals and create your own harmonious utopia of clones that always agree on everything.

And when it comes to facts, your feelings definitely do not matter. I don't know when the left became these fundamentalists that scoff at reality in lieu of what feels good, but when that happened, I had to distance myself from that subset of liberalism. It is wholly unacceptable to promote things that are simply not true as some kind of guise of being accepting and promoting tolerance. Believe or not, you can be sympathetic to a group or cause while pointing out things about them that are objectively true or not true.

You know what you don't do? You don't create this Orwellian principle that any speech you deem hateful or offensive is subject to stifling and suppression because it might "harm" someone. Words don't harm... actions do. I can just as easily deem your words offensive and hateful and attempt to have them suppressed, but of course you would scoff at that, wouldn't you? 

If I still felt the way I did at 21 the way I do now at 31, I'd be out there with posters and picket signs, too, crying and bitching about how Milo Yiannopoulus is bringing hate and violence to America all while punching people and throwing urine at people I disagree with (I probably wouldn't even have the balls to leave my room). But, luckily, I realize that words, even bad ones, are just that, words. I learned to take a joke, I learned to take criticism, and I learned to block out truly vitriolic nonsense. 

I implore these new generations to learn to do the same, because they are going to learn the hard way that the majority of society is just trying to exist in this crazy world and not really giving a fuck about manspreading, or mansplaining, or "white privilege", or "Oscars so black". I never told my grandmother about the crap I endured at school because I knew she didn't really care the way I wanted her to. Instead, I stayed in my room and created my own little world to block out the bullshit I had to deal with both at school and at home.

Inadvertently, this prepared me for the world my grandmother claimed I was not ready for, because it taught me how to close out hate and vitriol, while still existing in a place from which I could not wait to remove myself. Slowly, but surely, I learned that adversity was everywhere, and that running from dissension was easier said than done. So, instead, I took it head on and it actually inspired critical thinking out of me. It was what led me to becoming an atheist, what led me to not giving a fuck who knew I was gay, and what eventually led me to leave behind the regressive narrative that is slowly engulfing the liberal left. 

Being mad didn't stop people from saying hurtful things to me, and letting them know how mad I was didn't change their feelings. Sometimes, people should take your feelings about something into consideration, and sometimes your feelings just plain don't matter. In any case, things are going to be said that you don't like. Jokes are going to be told that you find offensive. Truths are going to be said about you that you are not ready to hear. You make your stink, you scoff, you scowl, but in the end, you've made it out of the other end unscathed and you will move on with your life. You don't start online witch hunts, trying to get people's personal information to make death threats, SWAT them, or to contact their employers in an attempt to get them fired from their place of work. 

As callous as this sounds, this can simply be whittled down to learning how to take a fucking joke or just letting stupid people be stupid. We're not all the same, and that's what is so great about humanity. Things that make some laugh make others vomit. Things that some find beautiful other find abhorrent. We are empathetic creatures that don't set out to hurt each other maliciously, but often realize that some opinions and beliefs need to be challenged, regardless of how some feel about them.

That's life. Fuck your feelings, man. Fuck. Your. Feelings.

Okay, I'm done. 

7 Years Ago

Don't take it personal if I speak ill of your name Hate, then sad, is the my favorite method of rhythm You might as well accept the fu...